The Derp of Olympus
by LunaPadma
Summary: The real events are usually a lot derpier than Riordan gave them credit for being...
1. Prologue

The problem with telling a myth is that the hero must rise from the pages, be more than a simple man. A demigod, if you will.

But true people are not always brave. They make mistakes. They are awkward. In short, they fail. And while Riordan does his best to preserve the humanity of his heroes, even he is sometimes forced to fudge a few details, cut a few side trips, and, in general, add to the heroics—especially in his final chronicle of the Quest of the Seven.

So, presented in its original, unedited form, here is:

**The Derp of Olympus**


	2. The Derp of Ithaca

Jason hated being old.

It wasn't the smell that bothered him the most, or even the creaking bones. He could deal with those.

It was the words.

They'd been waiting to burst out ever since Hazel cloaked him in the Mist, and Jason prayed he wouldn't lose control, say them, and utterly ruin the mission.

They mounted the hill. The words flew, unbidden, from his mouth.

"You kids get off my lawn!"


	3. Derp Vesuvius

When Nico woke up, they were dive-bombing Mount Vesuvius.

Coach Hedge cartwheeled by, screaming something unintelligible—probably "This is awesome!"

Reyna was less excited. She didn't scream, but she glared at Vesuvius like it was the mountain's fault it appeared in their path.

Nico concentrated on pulling them away from certain death. The world blinked out of existence.

It blinked back into existence at an Italian McDonalds drive-thru. The Athena Pathenos took the space of three cars, and Nico prayed nobody else wanted McDonalds for a few hours.

"Uh, ciao," he said. "A, um, numero uno, y una insalata, y...quattro grande frites."


	4. The Derp Song

Piper stood there, thinking. She knew she was dealing with Greek myths, not Cherokee stories, but she had to wonder. The Snake Song. If she could just think of a song, she could test her theory on the snake people.

Well, okay, there was _one _song, but it probably wouldn't work. Whatever. She had to try.

"She had them Apple Bottom jeans!" Piper sang. She began to sway.

Kekrops matched her sway. His eyes grew dull. "Jeans..." he repeated.

"Boots with the fur!"

"With the fur..."


	5. Derpy Phantom

Nico was dissolving. He knew it. Yesterday, he walked through a tree.

Today was nearly as bad.

As he was walking back to their camp, he caught his foot on a rock, tripped, and fell into a particularly shadowy tree.

Pulling himself free, he saw a kid, no more than eight or nine, staring at him. The kid was perched on a bike and his jaw had dropped.

"You didn't see anything, kid," Nico warned.

The kid shook his head. "No, no, of course not. It's just..."

"What?" Nico barked.

"Are you Danny Phantom?"


	6. Under the Derp

They had been down there for six hours.

Piper was terrified. The storm had stopped about two minutes after Percy and Jason went down, but they still had not come up. They'd sent Frank down at the thirty-minute mark, and he hadn't resurfaced either. Several times, the sea had started to churn again, but it always stopped again quickly. Where were they?

Finally, the boys resurfaced, carrying—a thirty page document? What was that for?

"What happened?" Annabeth demanded, smacking her boyfriend on the head.

"Contract negotiations," Jason replied. He sounded defeated. "Six hours of contract negotiations—two of which wouldn't have happened if _someone_—" he glared at Frank—"hadn't mentioned _Hercules_. It took two hours, a limited run of fifty action figures, and an online T-shirt store before she would settle for YouTube fame."

"You forgot about the cameo," Percy added, equally defeated. "And the invite to Dad's Christmas party. I'm sorry, _why_ does my father have a Christmas party? He's, like, the definition of Pagan!"

"Oh, yeah. Piper, I need your dad to cast a minor goddess as an extra in his next movie," Jason said.

"And the shrines. And the renown. And all that," Fran moaned. "She wants the thing on the beach. Hello? We're in the hills. We don't have a beach."

"Could have gotten no beach if you'd given into the Minor Goddesses Beauty Pageant," Percy reminded him.

"One, I am not having a repeat of Troy. And two, she wanted me to be the drag queen MC!"

"Wait, hold on. You spent six hours negotiating a worship contract?" Annabeth asked.

"It was mostly Jason. Kym just refused to negotiate without two witnesses present. Or her lawyer," Percy said. "And the notary official. And the stenographer. We spent kind of a while waiting for the stenographer."

Jason shook his head. "If I have to do this for every god and goddess, I may kill myself."

"If I have to be a witness again," Frank said, "I'll help."


	7. No Derps!

Will and Nico watched as Octavian was flung by the _onager_ and exploded, taking Gaia, Leo, and Festus with him.

They stood in silence for perhaps a minute, contemplating all they had lost and the sacrifices they had made.

Then Will spoke.

"I know I'm supposed to be all sad and introspective and stuff, especially since he was, like, my third cousin or something, but I can't stop thinking..."

"What?" Nico asked.

"This is why Edna Mode says, "No capes!""


End file.
